In times of great heartache...

In all my years of fostering (and I have quite a few under my belt) I have come to realize that there are times when you just have to put your foot down...

I really don't want to go into too much detail, but suffice it to say that Ky probably will not be returning here.

Honestly, I don't like to feel like I can't live my life the way I want to. I know that he was placed here first... before any of the kids that are here now... I also know that I now have a 3 year old that I am adopting, as well as a 1,2, and 16 y/o.

Now I know what you are thinking... 16? Yes, I know my 16y/o can pretty much do her own thing, but the things that he has been doing lately, she does not need to be subjected to, either. 16 years old or not.

Basically, when I voiced my concerns to the powers that be, they tried every tactic in the book and wouldn't take no for an answer.

And they still haven't.

It will be a hard phone call to make in the morning. I asked them to give me 48 hours and my 48 hours are up at 10:30AM tomorrow... It was crazy... I kept sayong "I can't do this" and they kept ignoring me... even after almost 36 hours, I still feel the same.

Tonight I pray for Ky, my kids, a sound mind, and a sound spirit. I also pray that God's will be done and not that of man.

Goodnight and Amen.

Silence... at last...

Ah... sweet silence... I almost forgot what it sounds like. My 16 year old is away at a permanency summit and my 8 year old is not here. My babies are all asleep...

It seems as if even when the babies are down, I never have complete silence... There is always someone wanting, needing, etc, etc...

I welcome the loud quiet.

I still have the same headache that I had yesterday. I pray for peace, serenity, and for my headache to disappear.

Goodnight, All!

Thought for the Day

Stuart's Law of Retroaction

"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission".

No truer words have ever been spoken.

I'm really not feeling too well today, so I'm not writing much. I'm going to turn in early, get some rest, and hope I feel better in the morning. My little guys are down for the night and I hope they stay that way... well at least until 6AM.

Have a nice night!!!

I dare you

The year so far has been one of great discover for me in the lives of people I place the label of friend on. I truly believe that we are a magnet for the energy that we expend into the world we choose to affiliate with. I say that because I have ultimate choice, control and power to allow someone to not control my thinking or belittle my dreams. Once I discover that all the power I need lies within myself, it is then that I can move to the next level of living. I am a proponent of letting go of things that could impede me from living my best life. I prune the friendships that I am involved in frequently by conversation, cards, or a simple e-mail. But just as much as I prune I also weed from time to time because I try to align myself with people who have moral values that can keep me in line. If I am constantly being drained with constant negativity I cannot grow and therefore that person will be weeded out. I wonder how many people see a certain friend is calling and based on your mood you will not answer the call. I am patient with people to the point that they are not incubators for negative emotions. In life I have a choice to be happy or sad. If I change the way I look at life the outcome will be different.

I know this...

I dare you to challenge living and think happy thoughts.

Good night.

The Photographer in Me...

I have been asked on numerous occasions if the pictures that have been seen on my MySpace page in the past were taken by me.

Yes, they were.

I have a thing for capturing the moment. Especially in children. Kids are so innocent. I find beauty in not only smiles, but action, pouting, and tears.


When my nephews were here last year, I had a ball just taking pictures.

I must have taken pictures EVERY day. I find that catching them at the most random time makes for the most beautiful pictures. Most of the time, they didn't even know that I had a camera in my hand. I catch them in the midst of laughter, in the midst of anger, in the midst of tears.

Gotta love DeVaughn in this picture, right??




I'm also very good at taking action shots... The pictures below were taken in North Carolina at the hotels indoor pool. The kids had WAY too much fun...

I also do pretty good outdoor/weather shots. Here are a few samples...

Okay... Just a few more of my favorites....

Okay! Well, thats it for now. Yes, I do take my own pictures. I try to update my digital cameras once a year. Right now I am looking for a nice digital SLR to add to the collection. Keep in mind, there has been NO digital enhancing done to ANY of these photos.

I personally do not like pictures that have been staged or posed for. Pictures come out better when people are in the moment. Just my experience.

Until next time!!!!

And I wonder...

"And I wonder if you know what it means to find your dreams" - Kanye West

I sit in my office at 5:44PM on a Sunday afternoon. My house is eerily quiet. The little ones are upstairs playing quite content. My 16 y/o has barricaded herself in her room under the guise of cleaning it (we'll see). The house is spotless. Dinner is in the oven. All is right with the world. Well, at least MY world.

It is every foster child's dream to go home. Regardless as to what the reason may be that brought the child into care, they ALWAYS want to be with mom. That's normal. That's okay. But when there is a situation where you know that the chances of reunification are nil to none, what do you do?

What do you do when a child blames themselves for the way that there life is now?

What do you do when a child looks at you and says "Well, I was bad. I would have hit me too"?

I try to teach my kids that they are not responsible for the way that their lives are now. It is not their fault that their parents made the choices that they did. It is not their fault that they are separated from their parents.

However, even though they are not responsible for the way that there life is now, they ARE responsible for the way that their life turns out.

I try to tell my 16 year old... I KNOW her past was HELL... and that's putting it lightly. That kid has seen and been exposed to things that I hope to NEVER see in my lifetime. I tell her that even with all of that, she is somebody. She deserves to be loved. She deserves to belong.

She also deserves a bright future. She's a REALLY bright kid. That's an understatement. She's an EXTREMELY bright kid. She can draw. She can write. She is learning to play guitar. She is averaging A's in all of her classes but one. Which one, you ask? Is is Anerican Lit? Geometry? US History? No to all of the above. Do you know what she is failing???? Physical Education. Yep. Gym.

GYM.

Anyway, she is extremely bright, but she sometimes allows her past to keep her from being successful in the here and now. She is passing with All A's now, but when she first got to me, she was failing EVERY course. EVERY SINGLE ONE. She's failing PE, and thats not okay with me. She is destined for great things. This week she is headed for a 2 day permanency summit hosted by the State of Maine DHHS. Few kids were chosen and she was one of them. That says a lot.

I am in no way insensitive to her past. Impossible. All that I want her to see is that the hell that she escaped will make her a stronger adult. I don't want her fading dreams to escape her and become a distant memory.

She made it out. She's here now, and with all of that, yearns to go home. What kid doesn't?

We go to court in about 2 and 1/2 weeks. She wants to go home but the caseworker has told her that the possibility of her going home is very, VERY slim. I feel for her. I know that it is nothing personal. She just wants to know why her mom doesn't want her.

She shared with me that she had never had a good Christmas. Well, this past Christmas I went all out. She got EVERYTHING that was on her Christmas list and then some. She tells me every day how happy that made her. I'm glad that I could help.

She's extremely helplful. Good with the little ones. Doesn't mind babysitting or helping out. I couldn't ask for more.

I wonder why her mom doesn't feel that way.

Inaugural Post....

Welcome to my blog!!!! I don't know what made me decide to publish a blog on blogspot... but I did, so now here is my first entry.

It's a COLD, Sunday morning here in Smalltown, Maine. The temp currently ready 23 degrees with the threat of more (!!!) snow and ice. The kids are awake, and seem to be obsessed with screaming and waking up any and everyone that isn't already awake.

The blond haired little dude has taken to spitting whenever he doesn't get his way. I have taken to definitely NOT giving him his way when he does that. The brown hairedm brown eyed guy AKA Muffin Man, just says, to heck with whatever you tell me, I'm not doing it. BTW, his nickname really is Muffin Man or Bran Muffin, or whatever I choose to call him for the day.

Jon, on the other hand, is a really complacent child. Copacetic. A few weeks ago, he went through this spurt where he was just peeing on himself (!!!) for no apparent reason. He'd be wide awake and would just pee (!!!). I didn't make a big deal out of it, and it passed within two days. I bought him a Calvin Klein bathrobe (He likes to think he's hot). He looks really good in it. Here goes...

I just LOVE those eyelashes.

My 16 year old has developed a BAD case of selective hearing. Has to be the worst I've ever seen. She suddenly goes deaf when I am calling her or talking to her about something other than her current boyfriend or the possibility of having her best friend sleep over. I wonder if the way her cell phone conveniently drops my calls when I am telling her to do something she doesn't want to do has anything to do with this... She blames her sudden selective hearing on my sister Eileen, who used a home remedy to clean the earwax out of her ears. It works for us. It works for most people. Maybe not caucasian, blond haired, blue eyed, 16 year old girls.

My 8 y/o... oh, my 8 year old... he is blog in and of itself. He is currently away right now. He needed some help that I just couldn't give him. I don't know when or if he will be coming home. He's been gone now for almost 2 weeks. In a way I have been breathing a sigh of relief and resting a lot easier, but to know what he is going through and some of his behaviors... well, it's affecting me a lot more than I could have thought. Especially after a year. See an upcoming blog for more details.

Okay, I think I've touched on all of my kiddos. Man, I love kids. I have 4 godchildren. I'll be finalizing Jon's adoption VERY soon. BTW, I have lost God knows how much since this picture was taken last May...

Shawn will be 9 on Thursday, Dasia is 4, DeVaughn is 3, and Madison is 1. They are all great kids and I make sure that when I visit NJ, I spend time with each of them when I can. They all live in NJ, which is where I am originally from. We'd had a long day that day. The only ones smiling were Shawn and I and thats because we knew we were headed to Dorney Park and Wildwater kingdom the next day. We had a blast.

On the weight loss issue, since April of 2007 I have lost over 130 lbs. I haven't taken any recent pics, but I had to get a new driver's license back in September, so here goes...

That was back in September. I have lost 40 more pounds since that picture was taken. I was HUGE!!!!! I still have a long way to go, but I am more than halfway to meeting my goal. Keep rooting for me!

Okay... I think thats about it for know... I have pleanty more to write about, but not much time. I promise to update you guys later. Look for a blog called Race Relations in the near future. TaTa for now!!!